I was 8 years old the first time I was touched inappropriately. I had a sunburn and an adult relative offered to put aloe vera on my back. I was uncomfortable with how he was touching me, but didn’t understand why. It wasn’t until he lowered my shorts and underwear that I became bold enough to pull away. I walked off as he said, “I was just trying to help you feel better.” I later told both my mom and grandmother and, while extremely supportive, their response was basically, “some men are creeps and you just have to stay away from them the best you can”. The responsibility was mine to protect myself, not for the relative to stop his behavior.
Two years later I was with my mom at the bookstore and we separated - me off to find the newest Christopher Pike, her to find the newest VC Andrews. Quickly, before I knew what was happening, a man came up and grabbed me from behind. He grabbed my hip with one hand, my crotch with the other and ground himself against me. I jerked away in shock and he quickly walked out of the store. I found my mom and embarrassingly told her what happened. She was furious, yelling for me to point him out. But I just wanted to hide and pretend it never happened.
Jump ahead 4 years. I was spending the night with a friend. I had a crush on a boy a year older than me and he and his friend came over to her house. My crush pulled me into a spare room and kissed me. My excitement quickly turned into confusion as he started pulling down my shorts. I giggled as I politely struggled to pull my shorts back up. Things escalated quickly as he started to overpower me and I realized he wasn’t playing. This wasn’t a joke. He didn’t care that I was saying “no”. I pushed him away, but he came back at me and pinned me to the wall. I kneed him in the crotch, doubling him over and pissing him off. I quickly left the room and joined my friend and the other boy. They were laughing, asking what happened, but I said nothing and pretended it never happened because I felt I should not have put myself in that situation in the first place.
Jump ahead to high school. I’m driving down the road one day and realize a car is driving beside me keeping perfect pace with my car. I turn, make eye contact and realize he is smiling at me and masturbating.
Same year, a few months later, driving down the road. I’m at a red light and notice the driver in front of me keeps adjusting his rear-view mirror. I finally understand why when, in the mirror, I see him masturbating. Then he turns the mirror again to look at me and smile.
High school was also when the catcalls started. Walking into the store and some guy would yell, “Nice ass baby, what I would do to you!” Or standing in line at a convenience store and a guy would get really close behind me, putting his body against mine. I move, he moves. Until I was forced to tell him to back off. Numerous variations of this kind of invasion of space. Of course, responding to any of these experiences were met with insult. Usually I was "being a bitch".
I’m 21, at a dance club with friends. Dancing and having a good time. A guy joins our group and I start dancing with him. He leans forward and unzips my shirt. I push him away and turn my back to him. He comes up behind me, reaches around, unzips my shirt and attempts to reach inside. I push him away and move to the other side of the club, as I had many times before when men invaded my space. So it goes at dance clubs.
I’m 24 and meet a friend and her boyfriend for drinks. Her boyfriend brings a friend I’d been around a couple of times. The 4 of us go back to her place. I end up watching a movie on the couch with the friend. We lay down on the couch and start kissing. Within minutes he starts pulling at my clothes. I tell him I’m not into it and have no intention of sleeping with him. He responds that “nobody likes a fucking tease” and pulls my skirt up. As I resist, he grabs me by my wrists to restrain me as he grinds against me telling me how much I want it. I become furious, break away and yell for him to get off me. He backs off, and asks what my problem is and why I’m being so crazy. I leave in tears, wondering why I’m being so crazy.
It took me years and numerous conversations with friends to realize why I was “being so crazy”. A lifetime of pushed boundaries, inappropriate advances and sexual assaults tend to do that to a lady. And if I dared to mention to anyone at the time, the responsibility was on me to prevent/stop it. Were any of those guys monsters? Anti-social creeps living in their mom’s basements? Criminals on the sexual predator list? Nope. They were average guys who felt they were entitled to something. A feel, a lay, sexual pleasure at my expense. I’m sure they feel no guilt over their behavior, likely they don’t even remember, they were just boys being boys and I was just a tease/uptight crazy girl.
Am I some sexual siren that attracts creeps? Despite not being significantly attractive, I used to think so. The girl in me still sometimes wonders, “yeah, maybe?” It’s hard to re-write our original programming. But the mom in me, the one raising a daughter, says, “fuck no.” I did nothing to ask for that, I damn sure didn’t deserve it. As I’ve talked about this with women over the years I’ve realized:
1.) Those experiences were not okay. I never considered myself a victim, I still don’t. I never even realized those experiences were wrong until long after they happened. They made me extremely uncomfortable and at times scared and angry, but the general message was "boys will be boys". I never thought of it as assault. But it was. Regardless of the technical definitions, it was certainly wrong. But the fact that it happened so many times, I simply considered it the norm. Boys being boys.
2.) My experiences are not unusual. So many women simply don’t talk about it because it wasn't unusual. Status quo. Once again, boys being boys. We asked for it by what we were wearing or how we were acting or being somewhere we shouldn’t have been.
This is why it is imperative we talk about it. Share our stories with both women AND men, so people understand how frequently it happens. It is imperative we educate our sons and daughters on consent. That we place the same importance on consent that we do on crossing the street and looking both ways for cars. To make sure the boundaries are perfectly clear. And to shut down ANYONE who participates in or dismisses rape culture. Words or phrases like "boys will be boys" or "locker room talk" are exactly what lead males to believe it is okay to touch, grab and assault whoever they desire. It's wrong, it's rape culture and it needs to end.
Ahh, the "well I had a crush on him and maybe flirted with him and did I bring this on myself?"
ReplyDeleteThe answer, easy to see now, is of course not. But as a young kid? Harder to figure out, especially when you know in your heart that crush will be the reason everyone is skeptical. <3
Absolutely. It makes it all the more difficult to process when it happens with someone you care about. And in my days of school, victim blaming was all the rage. Which accounts for why no girls I knew spoke up at the time, whereas the majority of women I know know now went through something similar when they were in school.
ReplyDeleteAt least THAT is slowly changing.
That time I wrote something
ReplyDeleteThank you. I posted my stories yesterday. You have made me think of a couple of more I left out. I have two sons. I tried to raise them with awareness. After I posted yesterday, in a public forum, I knew I was leaving myself vulnerable to idiots on the Internet, but it was on my own Facebook page with my friends and part of this larger national discussion about this subject.
It was empowering and healing to write about it. Out of all the wonderful responses that I got, only two were negative. One was a misogynist acquaintance from long ago who I could discount.
What I was not expecting was that the other one would be one of my sons.
He tried to shame me privately first, and when that failed, he got on my Facebook page and tried to shame me publicly. I had embarrassed him, that's as far ad he could see. I have kind and loving friends who tried to explain not only the issue to him, but the damage that he was doing to himself and his mother.
Before I went to bed last night I deleted his thread. I was hoping that one of them would get through to him, because I couldn't. Nothing that came to my mind was something a mother should ever say to her child.
I was resigned to the "way men are" in my family. I thought I had made inroads. My other son got it. i'm fighting that voice in my head today, and in my heart, between that voice that needed to be heard and that other voice that tells me I was just being crazy.
This time my own voice will prevail.
Kathleen - I am so very sorry for your experience. I completely understand, as there isn't a man in my family that doesn't think I've exaggerated or misinterpreted these experiences in some way. And if by chance they accept the incidences as I've told them, they would claim I'm just too sensitive about things.
DeleteI think many men truly don't understand our experiences as women. The majority of men haven't been assaulted in these ways, so they have no way of understanding the feelings associated. Which is why I think it is so important to share. But even more important than trying to gain mens' understanding, it is as you said, extremely empowering and healing. As terrified as I was to post this (for the very reasons you deleted yours), I needed to see it all written out. I needed to validate to myself that it DID happen. And that I DID NOT ask for it. And like you, I had wonderful responses and support. And it encouraged more women to speak out. Meaning more women received validation for their experiences. It was a chain effect.
As my therapist often reminds me, I'll never be "fixed" and those voices will never go away. What HAS happened is that the empowered voice has grown so much louder than the voice telling me I'm crazy. It's taken time, but writing definitely helps. As does therapy. But most of all my lady friends who have supported me and shared their own stories. So many CHEERS! to your empowered voice kicking your crazy voice's ass! :)
I keep saying it: you need to write more.
ReplyDeleteNot only is it something that makes you a stronger person, but your skill at writing makes it all the more powerful.
No man should rationalize the objectification of women, or anyone else. But even more, no man should put his hands on a woman without invitation or after she's made clear it's not welcome. It's sad that men have to be told this regularly.
I'm proud of you for sharing this and am proud to be your husband. <3