Because I'm all about embracing technology, I recently had an epiphany via text. A friend and I were scheduled to have dinner Sunday night. We'd had a missed connection a few times before due to me not feeling well, so I was looking forward to finally meeting Sunday. Because she's awesome, she sent a text reminding me the presidential debate was that same Sunday night. But she said she had "NO PLANS to watch it", so she was still good for Sunday. Not watch the debate? What?! I realized in that moment that I couldn't not watch the debate. I had to watch it. I had to watch, get mad about it, then sad about it, then argue with my people, then get sad and mad all over again. That's what I do. Then I texted, "I need to go to therapy and dig into this. I should know better. Maybe it's my equivalent of cutting? Causing myself pain as a relief from deeper feelings?" What? Where did that even come from? She replied, "IT'S POLITICAL CUTTING. That's exactly it!!!" And bingo, I had an epiphany.
Now, aside from a brief moment at attempting to be cool in middle school and cutting a "J" into my ankle with a straight pen, which hurt enough to prevent carving the rest of his name - I have never cut myself. The first time I heard about it, years ago, I was perplexed. Why would anyone do such a thing? But then I discovered a friend was a cutter and explored the idea enough to gain a basic understanding. I hadn't thought about cutting in years, however, and yet for some reason I typed that response and hit SEND. So I Googled the definition for cutting:
"Cutting is a way some people try to cope with the pain of strong emotions, intense pressure, or upsetting relationship problems. They may be dealing with feelings that seem too difficult to bear or bad situations they think can't change. Some people cut because they feel desperate for relief from bad feelings." - http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/cutting.html
Well shit. There it was. And it made all the sense in the world. Political cutting.
I don't mean to detract from the real pain cutters inflict upon themselves or to even compare myself to them. Theirs is physical and mine is metaphoric. But suddenly I absolutely understood it.
I love to discuss all the things we aren't suppose to discuss - government, religion and politics. I love the balance of power. The debating of right and wrong. From the micro to the macro. There are so many perspectives! And I love to think about them all, find where I stand on the grand spectrum of everything, take a position (or not) and debate it. I've moved my position many times. Nothing excites me more than talking to someone who has a better thought-out position than I do and changing my stance. I hold those who have patiently changed my outlook or inspired a new way of thinking in the highest of esteem. They are my life teachers. Because, to me, nothing is more exciting than personal growth and evolution. I'm sometimes stubborn, but I am not immovable.
But this love of mine has been misunderstood and caused issues for a long, long time. Not everyone looks at government, religion and politics, or the discussion of, the same way I do. And that's okay. Understandable even. There's a reason they say to never discuss these things at the dinner table. For many it is far more personal. And judgmental. And angry. And condescending. And assumptive. And fucking ignorant. God damn the ignorance. It doesn't have to be. But for some it most definitely is. And instead of being a part of something that I love, a fun and rational exchange of ideas and viewpoints, discussing these things with people I've cared about has become an emotionally draining shitfest. And my position on religion and/or politics has bled into other aspects of our relationships, causing significant damage. "So dumbass," you may be saying, "don't discuss those particular things with those particular individuals." That's fair. And I've attempted it for a number of years. But it turns out we have very little in common otherwise, as well. And while I'm okay with this, can even find it endearing, others do not. And they can be pretty aggressive about it. Even if I attempt to keep it light and shallow, "be light and funny!" I tell myself, the conversations inevitably come around to me being a stupid, sinful, libtard, which is apparently pretty hard for them to overlook. Those three things have formed the wall to block the viewing of most else that matters.
Annnnnd it's pretty fucking hurtful coming from people I love.
Which finally brings us back to political cutting. Due to the current political climate, I must be plugged in so I don't miss a thing. Because while I know I am not stupid, sinful OR a libtard, (or any variation of), those are words and assumptions I cannot shake. So with certain individuals, the discussion of current events isn't about the fun and rational exchange of ideas, but rather a defense of me. And who I am. To people who, I feel, should know and love me based on character, but somehow negatively distort that due to my positions on certain issues. If and when I communicate my feelings about this, I am being an oversensitive liberal. And while engaging is painful, it relieves the pressure of what I truly feel, which is they do not like/love me because of who I am. And it makes me sad and angry. So I painfully engage because it relieves the pressure, but it makes me sad and angry. And so I painfully engage because it relieves the pressure, but it makes me sad and angry. And so... and so... and so.
Political cutting.
It's fucked up and crazy. And a dysfunctional cycle. And the only way I know how to stop is to break contact. But I don't want to break contact because they are people I care about. But the relationship feels bad. So the cycle continues. And my therapy bill increases.
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